Thursday, November 6, 2008
It took me forever to find my registration/insurance. I knew I had put it in a little plastic sleeve , but couldn't find it at first, and did not hurry at all because he would not tell me what "the problem was" until after I delivered the requested documents.
He asked what I had thrown from the vehicle. Frosting. I flicked frosting. Yes, I know it's illegal to throw things from a vehicle...but this was not litter, per se, it was not long for that pavement, as I explained above. I asked him if he pulled over people who threw cigarette butts from their cars. He said, yes, he did, and had in fact arrested people for that very thing before. I thanked him for that. (he said he had originally thought that I had flicked a butt). The thank you may have well been what saved me from a ticket for the busted tail light that shows white light. Big No-No, I know, just like it was last year and the previous 5 or 6 years that it has been busted. I'll put more damn red tape on it. I was actually surprised when he neither gave me a ticket, nor a warning, nor a repair order, nor even the "I'm not going to ticket you this time..." speech.
Nevertheless, as soon as he left, the tears came. I cried for a minute there at the side of the road, and then cried off and on all the way home. Yep. For NOT getting a ticket.
At some point during the drive home I ran the silent dialog through my head about the world giving me a freaking break after all I had cancer gosh darn it!! Because, yes, that is hopefully the suckiest thing I will ever go through. The came the thought "I had CANCER", and I started crying about that. Why do I still cry, 2 1/2 years after diagnosis, about having had cancer?
"Well", said the sometimes rational and insightful part of my brain, "cancer invaded and abused my body." The policeman made me feel helpless at the hands of an authority figure. Cancer made me feel helpless at the hands of an invader. Helpless in the hands of authority or an aggressor is an age-old issue with me. That's why I still cry about cancer. My sweet Doctor was my rescuer, my protector, throughout treatment. Yes, doctors are usually authority figures, but he never did any of the unpleasant things to me directly. Another reason I'm sure that I was so attached to him.
But y'know darn it, sometimes you NEED to cry anyway. If you are stressed and never let it out, it builds up in your muscles and your body and things go awry, and backs hurt, shoulders are in knots, and your body doesn't process toxins well enough and some rogue cell decides to go terrorist on you and next thing you know you find a lump.
I should cry more. Not because of an encounter with authority, but just as a matter of cleansing and release. I'm afraid to call my son's teacher back tonight, whose class my son is failing, because I know I will cry, and that poor man isn't tasked with listening to me cry. I should see a therapist; a luxury I cannot really afford, but I obviously have a lot of stress lately.
And it was only frosting for Pete's sake! I'm just sayin'...
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Some of the symptoms, such as the "fybro fog" and burning/tingling of extremities appeared or worsened after chemotherapy. I thought the fog was chemo fog and would go away, but it is still here. Maybe I'm permanently brain damaged from the chemo.
No reason to post this all here; I'm just sayin'.
Taken from http://chronicfatigue.about.com/, here are a couple of lists of symptoms. Symptoms I have, or had before menopause, are highlighted. The astrisked items also appear on the CDC diagnostic criteria.
Monster List of ME/CFS Symptoms:
Sleep & Energy-Related Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Post-exertional malaise* (extreme fatigue after exercise, lasting 24 hours or more)
Flu-Like Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Pain in joints without swelling or redness* (can be constant or move between joints)
Headaches of a new type, pattern of severity*
Tender lymph nodes
Other Pain/Sensation Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), as an overlapping condition (abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea, bloating)
Tingling and/or burning sensations in the face or extremities
Chest pains (Always treat chest pain as a serious condition warranting immediate medical care.)
Jaw pain (possibly TMJ, as an overlapping condition)
Cognitive Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Short-term memory or concentration problems*
Inability to comprehend or retain what is read
Inability to calculate numbers
Psychological Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Note: While these symptoms are generally considered psychological, they do not indicate that chronic fatigue syndrome is a psychological condition, and some or all of these symptoms may be caused by physiological abnormalities.
Depression, as an overlapping condition
Sensitivities & Intolerances of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Sensitivities to noise, odors, chemicals or medications
Sensitivity to heat and/or cold
Cardio & Respiratory Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Neurally mediated hypotension (dizziness & balance problems upon standing)
Shortness of breath
General Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Low-grade fever or low body temperature
Visual disturbances (blurring, light sensitivity, eye pain, worsening vision, dry eyes)
Chills & night sweats
Dry mouth & eyes (called sicca syndrome)
Tinnitus (ringing in the ears), as an overlapping condition
Unexplained weight changes
Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS), as an overlapping condition
Endometriosis, as an overlapping condition
Monster List of Fybromyalgia Symptoms:
General Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Delayed reactions to physical exertion or stressful events
Other family members with fibromyalgia (genetic predisposition)
Unexplained weight gain or loss
Cravings for carbohydrate and chocolate
Headaches & migraines
Muscle & Tissue-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Fibrocystic (lumpy, tender) breasts (as an overlapping condition)
Sinus & Allergy-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Post nasal drip
Mold & yeast sensitivity
Shortness of breath
Earaches & itchy ears
Ringing ears (tinitis)
Sleep-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Light and/or broken sleep pattern with unrefreshing sleep
Sleep starts (falling sensations)
Twitchy muscles at night
Teeth grinding (bruxism)
Reproductive Fibromyalgia Symptoms
PMS (as an overlapping condition)
Loss of libido
Abdominal & Excretory Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Bloating & nausea
Irritable bowel syndrome (as an overlapping condition)
Cognitive (fibrofog) Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Difficulty speaking known words
Loss of ability to distinguish some shades of colors
Short-term memory impairment
Staring into space before brain "kicks in"
Inability to recognize familiar surroundings
Sensory Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Sensitivity to odors
Sensitivity to pressure changes, temperature & humidity
Sensitivity to light
Night driving difficulty
Emotional Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Depression (as an overlapping condition)
Tendency to cry easily
Free-floating anxiety (not associated with situation or object)
Heart-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Mitral valve prolapse (as an overlapping condition)
Rapid, fluttery, irregular heartbeat
Pain that mimics heart attack, frequently from chostochondritis (as an overlapping condition)
Skin & Nail-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Pronounced nail ridges
Nails that curve under
Bruising or scaring easily
Tissue overgrowth (non-cancerous tumors, ingrown hairs, heavy and splitting cuticles, adhesions)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Our company had layoffs last week. 10 people were laid off. I'm very thankful to have not been one of them. Also 14 people were reduced to part time hours. 32 hrs instead of 40. I was one of the 14.
Additional responsibilites, more to do, less time to do it in, and less pay for doing it.
That's the "glass half empty".
I have a job and they still pay me for it!
That's the "glass half full".
Ends will not meet and I may have to get an additional part-time job.
That's the glass drained with only backwash in the bottom.
So, now to come up with ways to save money. I've had a few thoughts:
- Don't fix the dryer. Continue to hang underwear on hangers. Or dry clothes at someone else's house.
- Be the last one gone from work and do a big "elimination" job before leaving, to save on toilet paper at home.
- Put the endless copies of the phone book that arrive on the doorstep, carport, front yard, sidewalk to good use...as toilet paper.
- Use cloth panty liners. Don't laugh. I'm already doing this. Got 'em on etsy.com.
- Hypnotize the dog and cats to convince them that they are herbivores, and plant alfalfa in the back yard.
- Teach the cats to use the toilet, to save on litter expenses.
- Sell the cats to Filiberto's as "organic" meat.
- Do the dishes by hand (read: make my son wash dishes) thereby saving electicity by not using my beautiful stainless steel dishwasher that I've only had for a year.
- Convince my son he is an herbivore, and send him out back with the cats.
- Cut my own hair. I've done it before. A lot.
- Cut my son's hair myself. He can wear a hat if I leave any bald spots.
- Stop coloring my hair. Gray is attractive, right?
- Wear even less make-up and only buy the cheap stuff.
- Cancel Netflix
- Cancel internet
Hey, let's not go overboard: the internet stays.
When the layoffs and hour reductions first happened, I was amazingly calm about it for about 3 days. I'm going to take that calm as a peaceful assurance that everything will be fine.
When this Monday rolled around and the work-week started, I began to panic. Then after panic comes paralyzed inaction. I have to be careful not to let that happen, because that is often how I deal with crisis. Sometimes "Catatonia" just sounds like such a nice place to be!!
Surely they have a beach there where cabana boys bring you fruity drinks and adjust your umbrella so the sun doesn't shine in your eyes.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Having recently been welcomed into a small social group, I am again, as an adult, experiencing that search for my place. Like a child seeking identity within the structure of birth order, I search for what makes me special within the family of these friends.
I made salsa, but there is already a "good cook" member, as evidenced by the amazing mango tacos we had for desert. AND the Leader doesn't like cilantro, which she politely didn't tell me until weeks later.
I wrote a clever poem, then found out that the Pictionary Artist Guy is also the Clever Poet Guy.
Amazing Mango Taco guy also has a corner on sarcastic wit and orneriness bordering on mean.
There's a Funny Guy already too. I'm running out of skills and qualities.
I'm neither the youngest nor the oldest, nor even the "middle child".
I am cynical and have been called arrogant, but those aren't really marketable items when it comes to social niching.
I have the biggest butt in the group, but again, not promisingly noteworthy. And thanks to the last 50 pounds, I don't dance so well anymore either.
Am I to be relegated to the status of Expendable Ensign? Quietly contributing nothing, but enjoying the company of others until the time when I am subtly dropped from the group for lack of input? Politely laughing at the jokes of others and trying not to guess every picture in Pictionary? Not losing card games every time but never winning? Attending but not contributing, appearing but not belonging.
I just know I am going to be picked first for the next Away Mission.
I do have one thing I am good at. Really good at. Karaoke. But I haven't done that since I switched social groups from Bar-Hoppers to Church-Goers. I doubt there will be a group function after 9:00 in a bar with karaoke and a good sound system anytime soon.
And if there were, I'd probably find out that Artist/Poet Guy is also opera-trained and lead singer in a rock band...
Monday, September 1, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
"Did you know that each of the emotions of fear, lust, anger and pleasure can easily be found in the brain with an electrode touching a small specific section of the brain's limbic system? Some brain experiments with monkeys and human mental patients in the 60's uncovered this fact very well. On the other hand, the higher brain emotions of unconditional love, compassion, happiness and courage cannot be found in the limbic system or any other small area of the brain?! Why? Well, fear, lust, anger and pleasure are the emotions we share in common with all animals that have a limbic system.
"What makes humans different is the large cerebrum on top of the small limbic system. When you experience love, compassion, happiness and courage, brain scans reveal a wide area in the cerebral cortex lights up. In other words, a larger network of cells in the higher brain centers are used to experience these higher emotions. Most people have great difficulty with experiencing these higher brain emotions, because their whole life revolves around limbic system reacting instead of conscious acting. When you practice consciously using more of your brain, instead of less, you begin utilizing more of your God-given potential and honesty is easier to express as well."
Monday, August 25, 2008
As I have reduced the dosage of my meds, I have felt my creativity return, my ability to write, multitask and think on multiple levels. My resolution for 2008 was to nurture that creative side, as I am a whole-brained person who prefers the right but works in a left-brained field. I've been able to become involved with some marketing aspects of the business that allow me to flex those creative abilities, and I love that.
During my cancer treatment, I was very mellow and laid back. I attribute it not only to being in chemotherapy and being sick and exhausted, and the meds, but to the cessation of estrogen production. I was kind and soft-spoken and pleasant to be around. Who the heck was that chick??
I enjoyed feeling that way. I enjoyed not getting riled or opinionated or argumentative, but it felt like being a person I had never before been. After chemo, despite meds and menopause, I did not have that same mellowness. I miss it. Perhaps it was partially the calm and protection of all the prayers being offered in my behalf.
But having learned more about the symptoms with which I struggle and how many of them relate to side effects of the meds, I have determined to get off the meds.
And now I watch these "traits" surfacing again. I can become strongly opinionated, highly argumentative ("I'm not bossy; my ideas are just better"), arrogant ("I can be nice; can you be smart?") and obsessed with the world being right and fair. (and no, I didn't say those things, but they make great t-shirts.)
Which begs the question: deep down under it all, is it ADD, or simply OPD? Obnoxious Personality Disorder, such as afflicted Julia Duffy's character on NEWHART. Or was it Designing Women. Which is the real me?
And who is the "me" I would like to be? I'd like to be mellow, affable and pleasant. But I'd also like to be creative and alert, and more healthy. I don't want to suppress parts of me to please the masses any longer.
Stay tuned as I follow the path to ... the real me? And please still be my friend if I get REALLY competitive at Pictionary and word games...
For anyone who can relate to any of what I have mentioned, I recommend the following websites:
Sunday, August 24, 2008
But lest you think I have completely caved and been reconverted, let's just look at a few of the finer details, shall we?
I actually danced four times. Once was the requisite "Electric Slide". WAY too much like exercise. I had to rest after that.
Point #1: I resent being lumped socially into a group that includes folks older than my mother.
Upon comparison of notes with my friends, dancing with this gentleman follows the same conversational lines no matter who you are or how many times he's danced with you previously.
Second dance was with someone I met at the Social Gathering at my Dear New Friend's house. He's a very animated and adventurous dancer, and it was quite enjoyable.
As I looked around I saw several faces I recognized from the dances I used to attend 7 or 8 years ago.
Point #2: the group has not changed or evolved, it's just getting older.As am I, as my feet and legs and respiratory rate let me know after the "Electric Slide".
Point #3: someone with actual dance ability should choose the music.
There was, of course, also the Usual Cast of Characters:
The Ballroom Dance Couple:
The Fancy Two-Step Couple:
REALLY Old Guy:
Latin guy, white pants, sports coat, ladies' man. 'Nuff said.
The Polygamist Dancers:
Might I be tempted to return? Tempted...not really. Talked into it again by the girls?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I have put a lot of thought and effort into looking like I have not put a lot of thought and effort into how I look. I changed my shirt once and my jewelery three times. I did rat my hair. (It will be hot, and it will fall if I don't.) I did put lipstick on. But I'm wearing a plain white tee-shirt with no necklaces. Brown MaryJane-style CROCS. (which were chosen because I can stand in them longer than most of my other shoes) I hope I look like I don't care. That's the look I was going for.
I shall be taking notes. I'm sure there will be interesting blog fodder there.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I think I did fairly well, for a first venture after so long. I tried to curb my competitve nature when it comes to "games", and go with the not-really-following-any-rules flow of the Pictionary game, though either some of them just weren't trying very hard, or I am really good at Pictionary.
Well, actually, I am really good at Pictionary.
But, I must not have been too obnoxious because I was thereafter inviting to go bowling, and to another upcoming event. The people in this little group are of all ages and circumstance, and I found them to be pleasant and non-judgemental, and all-importantly, funny, and since I am in serious need of "social interaction", I think I should venture further.
One of the Group members RSVP'd in the negative to the upcoming event, citing prior commitment to DJ a dance. LDS Single Adult Dance. *cough*dances are evil* The suggestion was then put forth to attend said dance after the dinner out and festivities in, celebrating the birthday of one group member who is a Leo by the skin of her teeth and must therefore be totally awesome. (Either that or we'll hate each other on sight.)
Ha. Attend a dance. Not likely. Not only do I have an un-testimony of the single adult program, but I think I may have also taken an oath against singles dances. I cannot think of a more terrifying social scenario than walking alone into a cultural hall full of LDS singles with music playing.
Let's set the scene:
Lights; dim but not dark. Disco ball; probably (and probably the only good thing), crepe paper decorations; maybe. Good music; unlikely. Chairs line the walls. DJ booth/table up front or on the stage. The cool people are already dancing near the DJ. Women line the invisible boundry of the dance floor, feeling uncomfortable and on display, out-numbering the men at least 5:1.
The men, with all this opportunity to "dance" at the dance (yes, it is a verb as well) surrounding them, are, of course, slyly waiting in an unspoken queue to dance with the one woman with bleached blonde hair, a boob job and a low cut top.
The other women sometimes take up arms and dance with one another in small groups. Very European. Or very 1940's War-time-and-all-the-men-are-over-seas.
70's Saturday Night on KOOL-FM in the privacy of one's own homes would be vastly superior to submitting oneself to this repeated rejection.
There are several theories as to why, at a ratio of 5:1, men are waiting in line to dance with Barbie.
1. Single LDS men over 35 are the most judgemental sub-group of males on the planet.
2. Divorced single LDS men are of the mentality that they now deserve the most beautiful woman in the room, and nothing less. Regardless of love handles, male-pattern baldness, or all the reasons their first (and/or second) wives divorced them, nothing but top-o-the-line will do for them now. (see 1.)
3. To the LDS male, asking a woman to dance is akin to a marriage proposal. Before the LDS male will ask a woman to dance, or accept an invitation from a woman to dance, he must be sure that she is, at first glance, marriage material. (see 1.) To speak to her or dance with her a second time, he must have had personal revelation that she could be the next "one". This is, in a nutshell, the law that governs the sub-group.
Any protestations of "shyness" to excuse ignoring all those other women are easily negated by the Barbie-Line.
Women lining the dance floor. The cool people dancing. The men lined up to dance with the Hot Chick. This seems a little familiar...checking long-term memory...oh yes; JUNIOR HIGH.
The Group into which I am venturing seems to be mysteriously capable, on the whole, of "hanging out"; an oddity in Mormondom, I must say. I proceed warily, as if entering a cold lake, one toe at a time.
Perhaps things have changed in the LDS singles world since last I checked, or perhaps stumbling upon this tiny band is like discovering Shangri-La, hidden amidst the misty mountains; out of time, out of space...singular unto itself.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I have had many rats as pets. I love them. But their final days are awful. They get sick. They get respiratory infection, stop eating, stop drinking, become dehydrated and skinny. Sometimes they go quickly, on their own. Sometimes they linger, miserably. I have taken two rats to the vet to be euthanized.
That is the decision I am now facing. Surely it's time. She looks like Jaba the Hut. I am not exagerating. Yet, she still takes food eagerly. Her cage mate will be so sad. And she will be so sad to go to the vet alone. My friend's 6 yr old daughter is preparing for the funeral. According to my friend, she "has a kind of morbid streak about death, and might really enjoying taking a peek at the corpse".
Why can't they go peacefully or mysteriously like miniature hamsters?? We had two Robo Hamsters. (I know; Robo-Hamster!!) They were so cute, and fun to watch, especially for the cats. One day I said, "Hey, I can only see one hamster", and wondered at the last time I'd seen them together. With a feeling of foreboding, I captured the one, and set to cleaning the cage, carefully searching through the litter. Sure enough, I find a partially-decomposed hamster carcass in one corner, buried in the recycled paper litter.
The discovery raised many questions. Did he sense his own demise, like an elephant, and go off alone to expire beneath the fluffiness? Or was his exit from mortality hastened, with the corpse hidden deep in the white hamster cage "earth" to conceal evidence? In the case of the latter, the suspect list is certainly short.
Some weeks later, I realized I hadn't heard the wheel in a while. I then realized the cage door was open, and no hamster was to be found. I'm sure I know which cat opened it. The one who was addicted to "hamster t.v.", spending hours a day sitting by the cage, watching the action. The question in this scenario is easy...was he eaten? I found no remains, no fur, no thrown-up bones anywhere in the house, yet if he escaped with his life, it seems unlikely, in a house of 6 felines and a dog, that he could still be holed up and alive.
So why have I had so many rats, when the "end" is so heartbreaking? They are so smart, with their own little personalities. They are definitely the "rodent of choice". And cute...oh they are so cute, especially as babies. Nearly irresistable as babies. (I have banned myself from the pet store that carries baby rats...lots of them...obviously as snake food, despite the disclaimer to the contrary...because I always feel the need to liberate a few of them.)
The cuteness factor translates to human offspring as well. Babies are so cute and sweet and cuddly. If they were born 14 yrs old, NO ONE would have another one and we'd be at zero population before the ozone hole could get any bigger.
Today was my birthday. As a single parent, I don't ask for much. I don't want to have money spent on me. I'm easy to please. I began dropping not-so-subtle hints two days ago that I would be so happy with just an extra chore done, or a special favor around the house. I called on my way home to ask my son what was for dinner. I'm happy with mac & cheese, so long as I don't have to cook it or clean up after. I stopped on my way home for the most essential item in life...toilet paper...and decided that spaghetti sounded good. I called to let him know that from the store, and asked if I had any special surprises waiting for me...
"Not yet..." Not yet? at 6:30 p.m.?? But I will by the end of the night, I am promised. Ok, we'll see. I come home and make the sauce. All he has to do is boil spaghetti and cook up the ground beef. The sauce simmers. I start water heating for the noodles. No sign of effort on his part to get up and cook my birthday dinner. What is winning over mom's birthday? World of Warcraft. Special place, hard to get to, need to do something, don't want to have to come back again. I cooked my own birthday dinner. Didn't get to eat until 7:45, for waiting for motivation to strike The Boy. 8:18 pm. No special chore done. Cooked my own birthday dinner. Served my own birthday dinner. Will now take my own empty birthday dinner plate to the sink. World of Warcraft still winning over the woman who gave him life.
Maybe when he's 18...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
FINALLY, as the third left-turner makes his turn, INTO THE 2nd lane (good thing Granny wasn't going anywhere!), Granny turns behind him, into the FAR LANE! The two of them should have to go to driving school.
I went to A.J.'s Fine Foods today to get a salad at lunchtime. What a beautiful store. As I waited in line at the register, behind two chatty and obviously not-in-a-hurry people, an employee from the neighboring deli came and asked if he could weigh my salad for me. He put the sticker on my salad, got my drink at the Boulangerie fountain, and quickly stepped in behind the other clerk as soon as she finished ringing up talky-couple to expedite my purchasing experience. He was SO nice, so helpful, so aware of customer service. And I wasn't even some hot chick he was just chattin' up.
As I left the store I thought, WOW, people who shop here regularly (aka people with MONEY) sure get treated well!! And THEN I thought...why does customer service only exist these days in pricey establishments? I work as hard for the money I spent in Walmart as I do for the money I spent on my salad at A.J.'s. It seems there is a magic other world of courtesy and respect of which I, the working class, know not!! Why not?? I'm just saying!
I formally object.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Most people seem to think the first available lane is taboo apparently! Hey people! Think about the other drivers around you who might also want to make a turn. Ok, maybe I know the rule of first available lane because I have attended a defensive driving class or two, and somehow all the other rude and unsafe drivers out there have escaped tickets and driving class. But come on...
FIRST AVAILABLE LANE!